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Get more sex by building the connection

Posted on 29th June 2015 by Iain Littlejohn

If you want more sex then you need to have a great ‘connection’ with your partner. No, not that kind of connection, the emotional kind…

Words: Jeremy Parker 18/09/2013

Get More Sex By Building The Connection With Your Partner

If you want to be getting yourself more sex in your long term relationship then you need to have a good solid connection to your partner. No, not that kind of connection, the other kind, the emotional kind.

So what on earth is this connecting thing that I am wittering on about? Well – in summary it can be defined as ‘creating intimacy between you and your partner’ or ‘bridging the emotional gap between you both’.

So why do you really need to connect to your partner? For a number of reasons…

  1. In simple terms – if you work on the connection between you and your partner outside of the bedroom – then when you are both inside the bedroom your partner will be much more receptive to your touch and your suggestion for intimacy.
  2. It’s more than likely that your partner will have a need to feel connected to you in order to be in the right place to want to have sex. Again, it really is that simple.
  3. When there are connection issues in a relationship the sex is going to suffer.
  4. All the stuff that you may previously have thought of as nonsense, like; holding hands, talking, candles, nice romantic meals, etc. are all, ultimately, the groundwork that you need to do for sex to be a possibility later on. By doing all of this good connecting stuff you are stirring the hormones in your partner’s bod that will eventually get stirred up enough to put her in the right place to want to have sex with you. And in women you can stir those hormones by doing those ‘nonsense’ simple things.

So how do you connect better with your partner? We’ll get to that in just a second, two more important things first…

  1. When do you connect with your partner? Daily, that’s when. Things such as talking with her daily, appreciating her daily, making time for her every day, having a ritual that you perform every day of making her a cup of tea in bed, spending time snuggled up together every night, listening to her every time you speak with her, keeping up your touch daily, etc. would be great examples.
  2. It’s worth knowing that there is a difference between ‘bonding’, what we chaps do together, and ‘connecting’, which is what women do. Just keep that in mind when reading the following, because there is a big difference between the two.

Okay then, you’ve seen a few ideas already on how you can connect, so here are five more simple ideas…

1) Appreciate your partner

Now, what I’m about to suggest won’t happen immediately, it will take some time to build this up, but eventually (if you’re doing it right) you should find that your partner will love giving back to you when she is not being taken advantage of – in other words – if you treat your partner well then you should get treated well back in return. Okay, that’s the theory, so what’s the practical thing that you can actually do? Well, simply put I suggest that you go out and express your appreciation for your partner in words. Doubtless there are going to be loads and loads of things that you can appreciate her for, all you’ve got to do is to open your eyes to what your partner does for you, for your home, for your family, etc. It might be as simple as her doing the washing up or emptying the dishwasher, or making you your dinner, or looking after your sick child at home. Your words of appreciation don’t have to be much, just a simple “thank you for doing the washing up”, or “thank you for a delicious dinner”, will suffice and will go a long way. There are a couple of golden rules to follow though please:

  • Don’t make appreciating your partner become a habit that you do at the same time, every single day for exactly the same thing. Break it up a little, appreciate her for different things every day.
  • You’ve absolutely got to be genuine in your appreciation. You can’t sound like a robot going through the motions; otherwise it’s almost worse than not doing it at all. Put some feeling into the words that you choose to use.

2) Make her feel valued and special

Let her know that you care and that you are thinking of her. Say nice, positive, stuff to your partner, and do so regularly. That’s quite a wide ranging thing to suggest, so you’ll probably want an example or two… so I would suggest perhaps watching out for things like your partner having chosen a nice outfit to go to work in that day – if she has then make a nice positive comment about it, or if your partner made you a delicious meal the night before then say positive things about the meal, perhaps in a note left before you go to work, in an e-mail or text message maybe. Or perhaps she’s done her hair really nicely that day, comment on that, a simple “your hair looks really nice today” would go down well for example.

What you are looking to do here is to maximise her good qualities, and let her know that you are paying attention to her and that you care. Why? Because the more you do of those things, the more she’ll do them because she feels good about herself and the more she’ll pay attention and care about you and your needs, if you see what I mean.

3) Start a ritual

No, I’m not talking starting a cult here, I’m talking a little simpler than that. A ritual with your partner is what I’m suggesting you start. This could take many forms, and if you start one it shows your partner that you are thinking of her, that you care and that you love her. And doing all of those things helps to get her in the right place. Here are some ideas of the sorts of ritual you can start:

  • Make her a cup of tea before you go to work, or if she’s asleep when you leave then write a nice note and put it somewhere she’ll see when she wakes up, or in an unexpected place. You could say one of the following: just say hello! let her know that you’re thinking of her, tell her you love her, tell her you hope that she has a nice day, that you’re looking forward to seeing her later, etc. Or do them all!
  • Let her know you’ve got to work okay! A simple e-mail, text message or phone call would suffice.
  • Pop a note, a treat or just something silly to make her smile in her work or lunch bag.
  • Kiss lots and regularly, and always kiss her goodnight.
  • Write her a note on a postcard or a letter and send it by post, yes that’s write post it, even if you live with her.
  • Regularly have a weekly, scheduled date night together, without fail!
  • If you can afford it send her flowers regularly. Even once every six months would do just fine, I’m not suggesting that this is a once a week thing.
  • If your partner cooks most of the time then give her the night off of this chore by you doing the cooking, at least once a week will do nicely.
  • Go for a walk once a week together, and hold hands.
  • If she wants to – let her sleep in on a weekend, even if it’s just on a Sunday morning.

Potentially I know that this may all sound really silly, but I promise you that your partner will appreciate these things. Once you’ve started one, or ideally more, of these rituals alternate them out a bit, ie don’t always write the same thing and leave the note in the same place at the same time every week, change the days that you do stuff, don’t be predictable. And once you’ve got the hang of this one keep on doing it…

4) Give your partner your time

Make a conscious effort to spend time with your partner.

  • Make sure that you stop with your partner on a night, ideally a good hour before bed, but if you can’t manage that then at least make sure you take 20 minutes to snuggle up together quietly and ideally just chat, or watch TV and snuggle in close.
  • Take 10 minutes to have a coffee together on a morning before you go to work, or the same amount of time to have a cup of tea together when you get back from work. If you think you don’t have the time then I’m sorry, but you’re wrong! You do have the time, you have exactly the same number of hours in the day as everyone else, it’s about how you use that time – you could set your alarm 10 minutes earlier on a morning for example.

5) Give your partner affection every single day…

…not just when you want sex…

  • Cuddle her, either for no particular reason, or just before you go to work, or when you’ve just got back, hold her round at night just before you go to sleep. Cuddle lots, hold tightly round your partner, close your eyes and breathe deeply whilst you do.
  • Hold her hand more.
  • Kiss her, and do it regularly, each day and every night before you go to sleep, every morning before you get out of bed, before you go to work – there’s no understating how important this one is to build the connection between you both – its right up there amongst the top things that you can do to get your partners motor revving up for sex.
  • Run your fingers over her hand or inside her palm or rub finger tips together randomly (but do this when the moment feels right obviously).
  • When she’s sat with you on the sofa and you’re catching up, or indeed watching the (dreaded*) TV get your partner to put her legs across you, then give her a nice gentle foot massage.

* I only say that its dreaded because you both sat there staring blankly at a moving picture on a screen is not the best of ways to be connecting to your partner.